So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize