Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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