my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
