you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
