Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
