I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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