Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
