New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she peed on how many people?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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