i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
