Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
