thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize