what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
