If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
