Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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