I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
