She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
