hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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