There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
