If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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