I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
