Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
