Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
