I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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