Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
