dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
