is your mom at the bar?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
barbara walters just said penis...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize