It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
