i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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