I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
