So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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