I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
