Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
