sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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