we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
