here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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