Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i barfeds in our rink
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
