you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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