My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
