We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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