Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
