HIV tests are more positive than that guy
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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