i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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