You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
