After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
please don't ironically join a cult
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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