When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
