So drunk its hurt
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
