They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
