I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
