I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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