come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
