He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
