Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
