I cannot find my penis.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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