I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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