I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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